Tuesday, January 10, 2012


I want this move so badly that it seems like it's always on my mind- at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, through workouts, work, playtime, and in the middle of the night when I lie awake worrying. I am so fearful of 'losing' the move to the day-to-day demands that seem to saturate my life.

It seems so many people want to move out of state, and try really really hard to, but it doesn't work out. I meet people who have been unemployed for 3 months, for four years, for forever, and it makes me worry. Not that I don't have compassion and sympathy for their situation, but I also think about ours.

Up until this past week, I was on an adrenaline high with thoughts of warm winters, 3-bedroom homes, a new city to explore and enjoy. But then reality was served up on a platter in my mind and the doubt crept in: are we really going to move?

I worry because I can see ourselves letting day-to-day life get in the way. First the car breaks down. Then we need to pay an unexpected medical bill. After months of you searching for jobs in (one of the many) perfect location(s) we realize that this whole, living-on-my-income thing isn't working and you need to find a job, like, yesterday. With that, we realize after months of you being in your job, searching here and there for a job out-of-state but not finding anything, and me finally succumbing to the fact I will be in mine, we decide to just quit wasting our money on rent and purchase a home here.

We'll keep saying to ourselves, "Oh yes, it has always been our dream but we just ended up here. We'll move when we pay this home off," then,"When the kid(s?) go to college," then it will be "We'll move when the kids graduate," "...the grandkids are older," "...when we retire." In all likelihood, it will never happen.

I'm worried to let go of this hope of a different future that I had almost in my reach, I never dreamed of having this possibility even presenting itself. Years ago, I wrote college essays in frustration at my inability to move out of state. I cried tears of joy when, five years after that, I was granted permission to go.

We have so much optimism, so much hope, so much daydreaming for this new home in this unnamed location where we can start (over) as a family, build up our home, our traditions, become citizens of our new city and state. But doubt keeps creeping back in.

Happiness will not come to me, once I get the perfect home, the perfect city, get away from the people who frustrate me. I need to find happiness right here, right where I am at.

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